YEAR 50 daily truths

I am what I wanted to be (thank you Meister Eckhart)

8/9/2022

For as long as I remember, I wanted to be a mother just like my mom. Before my first birthday, I began to develop my mothering skills loving dolls. Every where I went, I carried a doll. With each Christmas and Birthday my family of dolls would increase. Each night (to avoid hurt feelings or jealousy between my dolls) I had to tuck in my entire doll collection in bed with me. Role playing mother was a homage to my own amazing mom. She did such an incredible job, I wanted to grow up to be just like her!
I LOVE being a mom. My children are the centre of my universe. Being their mom is amazing!
But now I realize that it was more than being a mom to my own children that I was desiring from life. Reflecting back, the wonderful things that my mom did which attracted me to the position of mother was actually her service to family, friends and community.
Working in recreation was my everything. Leading a fitness class, teaching a skill, adding quality to another person's day is still my favourite! I am what I wanted to be (thank you Meister Eckhart).

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The Complexities of Being

8/8/2022

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In these past almost 5 decades, I have discovered that even those closest to me don't really know what I am all about. Duh! Of course not! I disguise my true self for dozens of reasons, providing a public persona that is mixed with your preconceived perception of who you think I am. Then of course I have my many "human" moments when my actual feelings do poke through, triggered for yet an other dozen reasons. Surprise! I am not a 2 dimensional character.
The joke is really on me. Despite knowing this about myself - I forget that all the people I encounter are not 2 dimensional either.

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Dressing for the Job I Want

8/5/2022

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Eleven years ago I decided I wanted to become a fitness instructor. I realized that the best route for me would be to return to aquatics. However at 38, not only was I out of shape, I no longer had any of the qualifications to work in aquatics. I swallowed my pride and repeated all the required training I needed amongst aspiring teenaged lifeguards and swim instructors. Luckily my desire to be a fitness instructor out weighted the horrific reality of training with people whose parents were my age while also wearing a bathing suit.
Sadly, due to the disfunction of my life these last few years, almost all my fitness and aquatic certifications have expired. Best part is I am almost as out of shape as I was eleven years ago. I am presented with two options: A) Remain defeated. Accept the fact that my fitness career is over and age with grace (whatever the hell that means??); or B) Dust off my goggles and swim cap, put my fat ass back into my swim suit and just do it all over again.
Choice A is incredibly tempting but what the hell Choice B it is! So yes, I am going back to the pool. I am going to get fit and gain back my National Lifeguard award, recertify my personal training certification and return to aquatic fitness. Huge hit to my pride starting all over again. Good thing my love for fitness out exceeds my ego.

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What is YEAR 50 daily truths?

8/4/2022

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The last few years have been difficult for me. Laundry list of sad and hard episodes that had me spiraling downward even before COVID. The pandemic just made sure that all sparks of hope, strength and courage were completely stomped out.
It took all I had to get to work, and drive home at the end of the day.
Winter of 2021 left me exhausted. No energy to even look forward to all my favourite spring and summer activities. I tried to lift my spirits with a rally call out to my Facebook community. Despite the wonderful support, I continued to feel this dark emotional paralysis. Simple everyday activities seemed overwhelming. Any energy I could rally was reserved for work because as I am not independently wealthy, and need the pay cheque.
So there I am, hiding in my dark basement from yet another glorious summer day. Rather than spending the day at the beach SUP boarding, I was wasting time with dreadful thoughts of the fast approaching winter.... when I was struck by the absurdity of my self-inflicted imprisonment. Fortunately, being plagued by depression since I was 15 years old, I have had decades of practice finding ways to claw out of my darkness. Usually ideas I come up with fail me before I can even fully think them out. Luckily, this time I actually had an idea that provided me a guiding light.
YEAR 50 daily truths.
To avoid completely boring you any further, I will cut to the chase. This blog will suck. I am not a writer and I am not witty or insightful. However I am cynical and not above self deprecation. There will be days I will not post anything and days I won't shut up. This will be used as my vehicle to self discovery, and as a platform to publicize my goals in an effort to keep me from further loss of time, money and effort.
Let the amusement begin!

video explanation about YEAR 50 daily truths

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